Your SZ partner: do not let the illness claim both of you.It is the story of our lives: depression, anxiety. More depression and anxiety alternates with euphoria when, even for a short while, they seem to “return”. When you’re emotionally involved with someone, you commit not only physically, but psychologically and emotionally as well. This is why abusive relationships are so hard to leave – the violence has become so much part of the victim’s life that he or she almost needs it.
The question is – what about mental illness? If you’re emotional enough about your partner, have you begun to “need” the manifestations of his illness, although unpleasant?
An episode of “Rescue Me” one Thursday evening brought this home like lightning. The firefighter Captain’s wife was deteriorating from Alzheimers or something equally horrific. A nurse gave him advice that has stayed with me to this day: “Don’t let the illness claim you both”.
I was once emotionally drained to an extreme degree. I had nothing left for anything or anyone. It was my own brand of illness, and I was fast succumbing. Until I decided to withdraw, even for just a while, from the whole situation. My time alone gave me the strength to find myself. I am back in the relationship now. I am renewed and strong. I am myself, and most importantly, I am protected.
If you decide to stay in the relationship the best thing you can do for yourself and your mentally ill partner is to find something outside the relationship to fulfill you.
No relationship can be balanced if it’s the only thing in your life. Get a hobby. Have some exercies. Be happy by yourself. Only then can you build the emotional stability and strength to handle the relationship you’re in. The rewards are amazing.
Labels: mental health, schizophrenic partner, self-management
COMMUNICATION - WITH LOVEApart from managing oneself, another great challenge the healthy partner is faced with, is communication. How do you communicate with someone who seems so far from reality that you can't even hope to understand his world? The answer lies in love, and in questions
Forget being upset. Forget fear. The communication you're looking for comes from a place that is filled with nothing but love.
So the first thing to do is find the love that is apparently lost in the crazy world your partner succumbs to. There's a sequence of steps that work well for me:
1. Use any of the actions in the previous post to make sure you're mentally stable yourself.
2. Lie or sit down in a quiet place where you won't be disturbed.
3. Think back to when you were most in love with your partner.
4. Clearly visualize everything that happened during this time.
5. Now focus on the feelings you had during this time; of being completely in love without any fears or worries.
6. Focus on replacing the negativity in your heart now with the feelings that you had then.
7. Do this until every fibre of your being is infused with nothing but love for your partner.
You can do the above for as many times a day or for as long at a time as you choose. Do it for as long as it takes.
Next time your partner begins his strange ramblings, don't at any point try to convince him of another viewpoint than his own. Instead, try to see things from his perspective. Ask questions. Comment on his viewpoint. Focus on understanding.
It is likely that you'll feel much less strain in your relationship. Your partner will feel validated instead of negated. This friendlier, more loving approach will also be much more likely to bring about stability if not a sooner return to a more healthy mental state. It will cultivate mutual respect.
Always remember: you chose to be together on the basis of love. Focus on loving yourself and loving him. Everything else will become easier.
CRAZY FOR YOU BABYWell. It has been a while. In the immortal words of the unfortunately very mortal
Douglas Adams: I went crazy for a while. Or rather hubby did. I'm fine now, but he is not yet.
The most devastating thing about SZ is the fact that the sufferer's personality seems to be completely replaced by something or someone else. It's like a demon takes hold of him. No wonder they used to think that mentally ill people were demon possessed. Even today there are religious persons who believe that sort of thing. Maybe more on this in future blogs.
The point I want to address today is that, with every turn onto that dark path, it feels as if my husband dies. I am left with a person I can't even like, much less love. And it breaks my heart.
No wonder then that many spouses in such a situation suffer from certain mental conditions themselves. These can include things such as depression and anxiety. I remember that during our first year of marriage I found the situation so surreal that I had a continual knot in my stomach. It came to a point where I no longer knew who or what I was supposed to be.
Another trap is addictive behavior. To deal with depression and anxiety, one tends to lean on crutches such as alcohol and food (especially chocolate!). Ironically, these tend to only make matters worse. An accumulation of fat and constant hangovers are hardly conducive to a healthy state of mind!
So today I want to emphasize that it is vital for the "healthy" partner to keep herself as stable as possible. There are many ways to do this. I'll go into more detail in my next post. For now, here is a list of things that worked particularly well for me.
1. Join an online or real-time support group.
2. Find an email buddy.
3. Focus on keeping your body healthy and fit.
4. Get out more. See a movie with a good friend.
5. Listen to loud music. Sing along loudly.
6. Meditate.
7. Clear your fridge of all unhealthy foods.
8. Learn something new.
9. Revive an old skill or passion.
10.Write an angry letter to your partner. Read it and burn it.
That's it. More later.
REASONSPerhaps one of the most complex questions in relationships is "Why?" Why would you want to be involved with someone who suffers from mental illness? Why would you want to suffer yourself? Why would you stay?
I suggest that this falls into a category similar to any kind of abusive relationship. Why would you stay with a man (or woman!) who beats or verbally degrades you on a regular basis? For some the answer is as simple and as complex as the emotions behind the word "love". For some it's an economic issue, and for others it's guilt.
The reasons are many, because we are many different kinds of human beings, and human relationships are complex. Mental illness complicates the issue even more.
So why did I, like so many, stay? And perhaps more importantly, why did I choose this in the first place?
The answer is love, and then a sense of responsibility. I fell in love with my husband the moment I saw him for the first time. I found out about the illness only later, when I'd already decided that he was my life partner. And the rest is history.
Of course in an ideal world, we'd all think carefully before falling in love. But love doesn't work that way, does it? So we fall and get hurt and get up. And in the end, I'd like to think that we're better for it.
THE INTERNET: YOUR THERAPY PARTNERWhat saved me from complete self-destruction during the worst throes of my husband's illness was knowledge. The knowledge that I was not alone.
The factor of loneliness is often overlooked in any kind of suffering. The tendency is to feel that only you are going through your particular pain. To some degree this is true. On the other hand, there are many who experience the same kind of things as yourself, even if they don't feel exactly the same pain.
With this in mind, I decided one day to do an Internet search, and the rest is history. Here I sit before you in my capacity as a healthy virtual presence, putting words into coherent sentences. Go figure.
So I would suggest that the Internet is the best therapeutic tool for those who suffer. Think about it; through the groups offered by
Schizophrenia.com,
Yahoo, and many others, you can connect with people who suffer through the same things you do. You can connect with those who suffer in the same way your partner does. You can understand much more about both of yourselves by connecting with others.
What helped me most was the fact that I didn't need to look these people in the eye. It's amazing what you're able to say when you don't have to actually look at a person in real time. You can cry and laugh and scowl without the other person having to know ... unless you want them to. There's freedom in that. And power. And healing.
So use the Internet: it's your therapeutic tool. It's your partner in health.
TO MEDICATE OR NOT TO MEDICATEBefore dealing with alternatives to chemical cures, I felt the chemicals themselves needed addressing first.
The issue of medication is an extremely difficult one in general mental illness, and particularly with an SZ diagnosis. The reason for this is once again the nature of the illness - it's in the brain. As such, it takes many different forms. So do the effects of medication.
Most SZ patients report terrible side-effects related to the medications offered for the condition. Among the most common are weight problems, restlessness, and disturbing physical reactions such as muscle spasms. The unfortunate fact is that it is often necessary to experiment with a variety of drugs before something even remotely acceptable is found. Some have even reported that the drugs did very little towards controlling the very symptoms they are meant to target.
Having said that, a word of caution:
Never, ever stop the use of medication without the help and advice of a professional. Finding the correct professional is almost as difficult as finding the correct drug - but this is an issue for a later time.
When considering alternatives to chemical meds, be sure to take it one step at a time. A good starting point may be to use alternative therapies in order to relieve side effects. If alternatives prove effective, you could consider gradually lessening the medication.
It's very important to monitor the condition closely while experimenting with therapy. I cannot stress enough the importance of the correct professional help.
So which is better - medication or alternative therapies such as natural or spiritual cures? The answer is as complicated and varied as the human race itself. Each person can answer this only for themselves. And each answer will be different.
Spirituality and IllnessSchizophrenia, as said in the last post, is often viewed as a spiritual manifestation of growth, rather than a physical condition of the brain.
According to Sam's web site,
Schizophrenia and Shamanism, some cultures believe that the condition is a shamanic intitiation.
So let's look into this a little bit.
What is Shamanism?Shamanism is a magically oriented religion practiced in ancient times. Today, many occultists and anthropologists have revived the interest in this practice. According to
this FAQ page, the practice of Shamanism is ecstatic and hallucinatory in nature. Shamans experience an ecstatic state, during which they communicate with spirit helpers. This all occurs while control is maintained over the consciousness.
When an initiate experiences the ecstatic state, he or she has no control over the condition. Cultures that focus on these beliefs then place the initiate under an experienced Shaman's care to learn to control the consciousness while in the ecstatic state.
This "ecstatic" state with its often associated hallucinations is then what is referred to as schizophrenia in the mainstream Western world. The patient's consciousness is controlled with any number of mind-numbing and unsatisfactory drugs.
Occultists and academics who have made the connection between schizophrenia and spirituality have however begun to suggest other ways of dealing with the illness.
A look at the ways offered by Shaminism will be considered next.
Cathi
